


Mighty Dick

by eledhwenlin



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Porn Star AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-04
Updated: 2014-06-04
Packaged: 2018-02-03 10:22:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1741211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eledhwenlin/pseuds/eledhwenlin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer is a porn star. He's set up on a blind date with Brendon, who's unexpectedly charming and who doesn't know about the porn thing. Miscommunication ensues. There's a tiny little bit of angst toward the end and then there's a lot of schmoop at the end. For a porn star AU, there's actually less porn than you'd expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mighty Dick

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 2011, when I was just starting to write in bandom. You should know that because I definitely feel I've improved as a writer, but I still find this story cute at least in a degree that I did not want to simply delete the file. 
> 
> Sansets at some point had a look at this and then there was some rewriting, so if you find any mistakes, they're all my own fault for not getting a final beta.

Spencer's tired. Usually he's also well-fucked by this point, but the shoot today was a wash. Tom couldn't get into the scene, even though it was his favourite kind--there aren't many guys willing or able to do double penetration, but Tom seems to enjoy it. Normally. Today he was too preoccupied with his (ex-)boyfriend. Spencer was never quite sure whether they were on and off, although recently they seemed to be more off than on; he was entirely willing to divide the blame equally on Tom, who tended to be an asshole when he was drunk, and William, who tended to flirt with everything with two legs when he was drunk. Anyway, the scene, well, sucked. Spencer's pretty sure that Shane's not gonna use it, even though Tom managed to kind of pretend enough on camera. The thing is that Valdez Productions is so popular because the chemistry between the guys is there for real (Spencer knows; he's slept with a good chunk of his co-actors for fun) and this scene sticks out like a sore thumb.

He knows they'll be paid anyway, since Shane insists on that and it makes him a good employer (and so much better than some of the other porn production companies out there; Spencer's only been with Shane, but he's heard stories), but--and Spencer knows entirely how stupid this sounds because he's a motherfucking porn star-- his professional pride is kind of hurt. Tom would let neither Spencer nor Sean help out, at least on set. Spencer's pretty sure that Tom's ending up in Sean's bed tonight and he's not ashamed to admit he's jealous--Sean's stamina is what gets him the best jobs Shane has to offer and part of why Spencer's in a bad mood is that he was scheduled to have a scene with Sean after the double-p, but because they wasted so much time on getting that one right, Shane put it off until tomorrow.

And to end on a high note, Spencer foolishly agreed to a blind date with one of Shane's friends that's going to happen tonight. Spencer's not in the mood to make small talk over hors d'oeuvres. With the way his week has been going, the guy's going to be all broken up about his ex who was perfect and Mr. Right and made of sunshine and rainbows and then he's going to cry and Spencer will have to gently let him down because he's not on the high point of his life, but he hasn't had to rely on pity fucks to get laid outside his job. He can't even quite remember the guy's name and that is not an auspicious beginning.

But Spencer's already made the reservations at the restaurant Ryan recommended and he knows that if he doesn't go, Ryan will bitch about it for weeks and detail all the fantastic food Spencer missed out on just because he was too chickenshit to meet a stranger and spend some time with them. Spencer always wonders how Ryan can tell whether the food's good or not since he never seems to eat anything, but Ryan's almost never wrong.

So Spencer sighs, to show the world that his life is _hard_ , okay, and then he gets dressed. You can never go wrong with a black button-up, although the restaurant isn't that high scale, and he chooses his nicest pair of jeans. The fact that they accentuate his long legs is just a bonus, really. He doesn't expect tonight to actually go anywhere. Then he spends about twice as much time pouring over which shoes to wear.

They agreed to meet at the restaurant, which gives them the chance to leave quickly if the date turns into a disaster. The suggestion didn't even come from Spencer--the guy asked Shane to arrange that, so Spencer guesses that he has at least some semblance of common sense. Spencer's worst blind date was a double date with Ryan and Jon, where he got stuck watching them being all lovey-dovey while his date was going on and on about rhododendrons of all things and Spencer couldn't leave because they'd met up at Jon's and his date had left his car there. How Spencer didn't commit several homicides that evening, he still doesn't know.

Spencer has only communicated with the guy only via Shane (something about his cell phone being broken and Spencer had carefully not commented on that at all), so he has no idea what to expect. Shane didn't offer many details, only allusions to family trouble and difficult situations, and telling Spencer to "don't judge him too hard, okay? Give him time, he takes some getting used to" hadn't really given him too much hope. Fact is, Spencer is prepared for the worst. A mama's boy, a guy looking for a rebound, someone socially inept as hell, he's game.

Spencer arrives early and waits at the bar. The barkeeper is somewhat hot and keeps smiling at him and Spencer smiles tentatively back. He's got to keep all his options open in case this ends up as one of those dates. He sits with the door in view, although he does miss the guy's entrance. Spencer startles slightly, when someone tips him on the shoulder. As he looks up, he first notices the smile. 

"Spencer?" the guy asks hesitantly, smile cautious and hopeful. 

Spencer grins back because Shane didn't tell him that the guy was _hot_. He's hedging his bets until they start talking because sometimes listening to the pretty ones makes Spencer want to throw himself (or them) out of the window for the sheer amount of stupidity they manage to pack into one sentence. "Yep, that's me."

The guy relaxes instantly a bit and that smile becomes more pronounced and Spencer has to update the hot to _gorgeous_. "Hi! That's awesome. I mean. When I came in, I hoped it was you, 'cept usually I'm not that lucky and last time Shane set me up it didn't go very well, so. I'm Brendon, by the way. Nice to meet you!"

Normally Spencer doesn't like people who talk that much at all. There's a reason why Ryan is his best friend. Nice, succinct Ryan. But Brendon's kind of cute with the verbal diarrhoea and he gestures a lot and he seems to really be pretty happy to be meeting _Spencer_. Spencer doesn't mind being set up again (after he told everyone he knew that there wouldn't be "any more blind dates, seriously, guys, I DO NOT WANT TO MEET ALL YOUR SINGLE GAY FRIENDS") so much anymore.

They're seated and Brendon's vibrating in his seat. He lets Spencer order the entrees for him and his eyes become big when Spencer manages to pronounce all the French words correctly and when he orders wine for them. Brendon keeps smiling at Spencer all throughout the meal and they talk so much, bouncing between three different topics at once, and Brendon is laughing and he is making Spencer laugh and Ryan was totally right, the food is great.

When they wait for dessert (apple tart for Spencer and mousse à chocolate for Brendon), there's a lull in conversation, but it's not an awkward silence. Brendon was weirdly skittish about ordering dessert and coffee, and there's a story there that Spencer would really like to know--he's getting the impression that Brendon's been editing his stories heavily because he always steers the conversation away from his family and home life--but he gave Spencer a small smile when Spencer just ordered for Brendon.

Brendon's leg is jiggling under the table, the small vibrations making the table rattle slightly. When Spencer presses his knee against Brendon's, his leg stills and Brendon visibly relaxes. They smile at each other until their desserts arrive. Brendon insists on sharing his mousse with Spencer because "it's so good, Spence, seriously, try it" and normally Spencer wouldn't allow the use of a nickname, but Brendon's so beyond normal.

Spencer tries to take the spoon from Brendon, but he doesn't let go. He smiles and Spencer raises his eyebrows, but he still leans over until Brendon can feed him. Spencer looks at Brendon's face the entire time, licks his lips to catch the last bit of mousse, and Brendon blushes slightly. Spencer shouldn't find that as cute and hot as he does. He returns the favour and feeds Brendon some of his pie (so much less sexual than the mousse, although the noises Brendon makes are totally pornographic).

They don't talk much after that, knees still pressed together. Brendon moves to protest when Spencer pays for both of them, but is quieted when Spencer takes his hand, smiling gratefully. When they leave, Brendon is walking in front of Spencer, which gives him a prime opportunity to admire that ass. The barkeeper just grins at Spencer when they pass, and Spencer shrugs ruefully back. 

Brendon stops just outside the doors and he gives Spencer another one of those small smiles that Spencer finds increasingly endearing. "So ... that was fun, right?" 

He seems hesitant again, which stumps Spencer because he's all on board and he's pretty sure that's the impression he gave all night. He nods. "Yeah. I didn't expect to have such a good night."

Brendon starts full-out grinning, and Spencer likes that Brendon doesn't try to play it cool. Brendon says: "So we can see each other again, okay? You wouldn't mind?"

"Uh," is Spencer oh so eloquent reply. "Yeah, sure." Brendon beams at him and leans up to give Spencer a quick peck on his cheek. It's cute and all, but not exactly where Spencer envisioned his night ending. "Could I have your cell phone number? I'd give you mine, since I just got a new number, I'm so bad at remembering it."

Brendon seems happy enough to end their date here and Spencer's ... Spencer's not exactly disappointed because he had fun and he can't remember when the last time was he laughed so much during any date. It's just ... he wouldn't have minded having sex with Brendon already because they have chemistry and Spencer already has a list of things he wants to try and he's itching to get his fingers on that ass. It's a bit of a let-down. 

He still nods and pulls out his cell, but Brendon must've seen something on his face because he suddenly hesitates and puts his hand on Spencer's arm. "I ... you, you're not mad at me, are you?" 

The laughter has mostly faded from Brendon's voice and Spencer feels like a complete asshole and he doesn't know when, but at some point he actually became invested in this. He shrugs and watches Brendon's face fall and, okay, that wasn't the best reply.

"No, I'm not. It's just. I kinda got the impression that you were interested." 

Brendon scuffs his shoe against the pavement and on the one hand that makes Spencer cringe because that is not how you take care of shoes and on the other hand it's something so inherently like Brendon that he wants to hug him. 

"I'm sorry." His voice is small and quiet and Spencer would like to kick his own ass, thank you very much. "I ... don't do that on first dates."

Seriously. Spencer is currently discussing with his hot and awesome blind date how he is not getting laid tonight. That should not make his heart beat faster and set butterflies fluttering around in his stomach, but Brendon's standing there looking at Spencer through his eyelashes, face serious, and he's determinedly telling Spencer that he is not that kind of guy. Spencer is that kind of guy, has been that guy, and usually he finds the entire thing old-fashioned and prude because they're adults, aren't they (sometimes he supposes that whole doing porn for a living thing has warped his standards) and yet. He can't help but admire Brendon for it and he can't stand to think that Brendon thinks he's being let down gently.

So Spencer makes an effort to smile at Brendon and catches his hand. He squeezes it slightly. "That's ... okay. Just hasn't happened to me recently." 

Brendon smiles back, a smile full of doubt and possible heart-break, but a smile nonetheless. Spencer's hooked. "Okay, then, here's my number." He makes Brendon call him back immediately and saves his number instantly. When they finally break up, Brendon hesitates for a moment before he scoops in for a hug. Spencer wraps his arms around him and holds him close. This close, he can smell Brendon's shampoo and his cologne. He breathes in deeply, only realising afterwards that that was probably creepy, but Brendon is chuckling against his shoulder, so he probably doesn't mind.

In that moment, Spencer realises that this is all right, too. It's kind of really scary, but Brendon's warm and solid in his arms and he presses another kiss on Spencer's cheek before he lets go and ... Spencer hasn't felt this comfortable around another person he was romantically interested in like, well, forever. Brendon smiles again before he gets into his car. Spencer waits until he's backed out of his parking slot and is driving away before he walks to his own car.

On the way home, his cell phone beeps. Spencer only checks when he's at home because cell phones and driving don't mix well, and it's form Brendon. _Thx fr 2night. See you soon? :) bden_ Spencer replies immediately. _What are you doing this weekend? Spence_

There's another beep while Spencer's brushing his teeth and he makes himself wait until he's done to check his messages. _Meeting you? :) bden_

Spencer can't help grinning and he texts Brendon that he'll call him tomorrow. Then he goes to sleep and falls asleep to thoughts of Brendon.

***

"You are charmed?" Ryan sounds both incredulous and intrigued. Spencer purposefully does not look at him and pretends to be comparing two almost similar pairs of sneakers intently. In truth, he's just steeling himself for all the teasing he knows he's gonna get.

"Brendon's a very charming guy," he tells the sneakers with the blue lines. "It was an interesting evening."

"So you said. And you didn't get laid." Spencer's not gonna dignify that with a response. He glares at the sneakers instead and tries to remember why he's still friends with Ryan.

Ryan's silent. He's much too silent--Spencer had been expecting huge guffaws of laughter with additional finger pointing. He chances a look at Ryan and finds him studying Spencer carefully. Spencer raises his eyebrows, but Ryan just cocks his head and keeps looking at him with a slight frown. Sighing, Spencer puts down both shoes. 

"So what's special about this guy?" 

Spencer shrugs. "It's just. He's interesting. And cute."

"Cute. And interesting." 

Spencer feels his face get hot and prays that he doesn't blush too hard. Ryan will never let him live that down. Recently Spencer hasn't been very interested in guys who were cute and could tell funny stories, but whose idea of a goodbye kiss was a dry peck on the cheek. Usually a lot more tongue is involved.

Unexpected, Ryan takes Spencer's hand. This startles him enough to look at Ryan's face--Ryan's not very tactile, so every touch means _something_. "So ... he's something different than your usual guy?" 

Something different. Well, it fits. Brendon's definitely different from anyone Spencer's dated before and between Ryan and his quest for Spencer to find his One True Love (a mission he conveniently took up shortly after he met Jon, which was how Spencer met Shane and see how that turned out) and working for Shane and his mother's well-meant efforts to find him someone he could settle down with (Ryan's suggestions involved more sex than love) Spencer's dated _a lot_.

An awkward shrug is all the reply Spencer manages, because he doesn't even know what to do with Brendon. He just knows that he's intrigued because he managed to spend several hours with Brendon and he doesn't even what Brendon does for a living. The closest time they came to talking about their actual lives was when Spencer mentioned the Summer League and Pet Salamander and Brendon listed all the bands and choirs and whatnots he was ever in. At the time Spencer thought it was convenient because the porn thing is a bit difficult to explain. 

Spencer's not ashamed of it--it's just a supplement to his scholarship. Between books and accommodations, money sometimes gets tight and while he probably won't get rich just doing porn, it's enough to allow him to live comfortably and still be able to go to shows and buys shoes. When Shane first asked him to come to a casting, Spencer laughed because a) there were castings for this shit and b) who would want to see Spencer get it on with another guy? The answers were a) fucking yes and b) really a lot of guys. If porn did anything good to Spencer, it helped to boost his self-confidence a lot. 

Ryan usually tells him he's stupid for it and throws in some well-meant comments how porn exploits the actors and actresses and how self-demeaning it can be, but Spencer's only ever worked with Shane who takes great care to treat everyone fair and well and besides, it's Ryan who hasn't ever had to worry about getting a date since he discovered sex, and Spencer can't even begin to explain how awesome it was to have guys look forward to working (and having sex) with Spencer, when Spencer was all too well aware of his love handles and the way he couldn't quite get rid of that small belly, no matter how much he exercised and didn't eat. Hearing that Patrick was absolutely "delighted" to have a scene with Spencer next month still made Spencer smile. Patrick was famous for his deep-throating skills and Spencer himself was looking forward to that scene.

Still, it wasn't something that was easily explained. Spencer's parents know of "movies", although Spencer doesn't try to kid himself into thinking that they don't know exactly what kind of movies they are, but thankfully his father left it at _be careful, son_ and his mom keeps checking him out every time he comes over--Spencer feels almost like sending her a copy of his monthly STD tests. Spencer's way more interested in his master's in applied math and business models than to keep doing this forever (besides, how many porn actors over the age of 40 are there? right). He expects to be doing this a lot less, now that he's supposed to start his master's thesis soon and he'll stop completely when he graduates.

And from how the date went, Spencer's not entirely sure that Brendon would understand. That hurts and Spencer's careful not to think about why it hurts him to think that Brendon might not whole-heartedly accept him.

Spencer shrugs again. Ryan squeezes his hand. "Okay, then. Don't fuck up, okay?" Spencer manages a smile. It's not like he intended to fuck up all those other times. But, yeah, he agrees completely. Whatever there is about Brendon that makes Spencer like him so much after such a short time, it also makes Spencer not want to lose him.

***

Brendon calls on late Saturday afternoon. Spencer didn't expect it (their most recent text messages dealt with _Aladdin_ vs. _Mulan_ and Spencer's not exactly sure why he's debating Disney movies with Brendon 'cept it's kind of fun), so he's in the middle of an extended cleaning session in his kitchen.

"Hey, Spencer! What are you doing tomorrow afternoon?"

"Uh." Spencer inspects a forlorn Tupperware box that's been hidden away--it's not his and it's not one of his mom's and it's not a good sign if he can't even remember which month he might have put that there. "I don't know, I haven't gotten any plans yet. Perhaps Sunday lunch with my parents. Why?"

"Oh. I just. It's nothing." Brendon sounds distant and his usual cheer is subdued. Since he seemed pretty happy five seconds ago, Spencer's pretty sure it's something he said. He could kick himself. 

"No, please tell me. What's up?"

There's rustling on the other side before Brendon talks again. "I had this idea and--I know it's stupid, you probably don't want to, since you're already having lunch with your parents and stuff, but-" "Brendon." Brendon stops babbling immediately and Spencer sighs. He doesn't know why Brendon's so skittish all of a sudden. There's something about the way Brendon said _parents_ that Spencer files away for later contemplation. For now he just wants to know. 

"Just ... tell me, okay? If it's a really stupid idea, I'll tell you." 

"Even if it's stupid like Ryan's paisley and checkered scarf?" 

Spencer grins. That scarf was brought up when Brendon texted him a message of a "vintage original batik shirt" as an example that, yes, people don't just buy ugly clothes, they also wear them. "Yup. Although I might throw in some additional heckling." 

Brendon snorts. "Please, anything but the heckling."

Spencer sits down on his kitchen chair. Now that they're back to light banter, Brendon seems much more relaxed and Spencer has to admit to himself that he prefers this happy Brendon and that he's a little bit thrilled because Spencer made that happen.

"So tomorrow's said to be really good weather, right? And there's this park right around my corner and it's usually not too crowded and I thought that maybe--god, I suck at this." Brendon takes a deep breath. "Spencer Smith, would you like to have a picnic with me?"

Spencer's momentarily speechless. He hasn't been on a picnic since he decided in a sullen, pubescent fit that he was too cool for family picnics. But Brendon seems serious in his suggestion, if his prior nervousness is anything to go by and ... Spencer's really past the point where he should even try and pretend that he's not completely and utterly hooked on Brendon.

"Spencer?" Brendon sounds unsure again and one of these days Spencer's really going to kick his own ass. 

"Yes, Brendon. I'd love to have a picnic with you." 

"Really?" But Brendon already sounds much more like himself and, yeah. Spencer's so gone. 

"Yeah, sure. What, um, do you want me to prepare anything?"

They hash out the details and make plans for the early afternoon. As he hangs up, Spencer can't quite believe that he just made serious plans for a _picnic_. He can never let Ryan know.

Spencer quickly finishes with the fridge because he has to run to the supermarket. He has finger food to make.

***

Spencer is a bit nervous as he rings Brendon's bell. His hands are full with all the dishes he prepared (he made everything Brendon mentioned he liked and then some other stuff Spencer really likes and then some additional stuff he thought Brendon might like and by the time he ran out of pepper he managed to stop himself), so he's preoccupied by making sure nothing falls. Brendon opens the door and immediately starts laughing. "Spencer, Spence, who's supposed to eat all this?" He takes some of the boxes and bowls from Spencer and lets Spencer enter. "This is way too much food."

But Brendon's grinning and he doesn't look like he minds at all. "Perhaps I figured you needed some feeding up." 

Brendon elbows him in the side. "I don't think neither of us will have to cook tomorrow."

Occasionally Spencer's blown away just by how easy this is. They banter and argue and laugh, and Brendon looks at Spencer like he's special and Spencer's convinced that Brendon's one of the most unique guys he's ever met. Spencer wants to not fuck this up so much.

Brendon leads Spencer into his kitchen where he's already laid out the picnic supplies. Spencer's heart melts into a puddle of warmth as he sees the red-checkered blanket and a honest-to-god picnic basket and a cooler. He still can't quite believe he's doing this. Brendon chatters away as he manages to actually store everything Spencer brought in the basket. Spencer takes both the basket and the cooler, while Brendon sheepishly grabs a guitar case, the blanket and a bag Spencer didn't realise was part of their equipment, too. "Ready to go?" he asks and Brendon nods. He grips his guitar tighter. "Yeah, let's go."

***

The park's pretty busy, but Brendon finds them a perfect place, right under a tree, so they won't burn. Spencer still puts sun lotion on his face because he knows if he doesn't, his skin will turn bright red and peel. Brendon grins at him and offers to do his back. Spencer lets him.

Once they get themselves sorted out--between the blanket and the food they brought really a lot of stuff--and everything is arranged, Spencer sits down with a sigh. There's a nice fresh breeze and the people around them aren't very loud and it's all quite peaceful. Spencer can't quite remember why he stopped doing this. Brendon pokes him. "If you're done communing with nature, there's food to eat."

Spencer glances at him, but can't quite suppress a grin. "Well, then let's get eating." 

Brendon snickers and Spencer gives himself a mental high five. Brendon grabs the first box from the blanket and starts beaming when he sees the spinach puffs. Spencer hates spinach, but Brendon loves it and they spent an entire two days worth of text messages arguing about their favourite and most hated food, so Brendon knows. Spencer feels ridiculously shy because he's used to making food he know people will like, but this is somehow different from him making Ryan's favourite stir-fry or his sister's beloved chocolate cake.

Brendon grins at him and Spencer's stomach flutters. "There's also mini-pizzas." 

This makes Brendon laugh. "Spencer Smith, you are my favourite." Spencer has to look away and hide his grin. They eat in companionable silence, with Brendon praising Spencer for making all this food and being such an awesome cook, and Spencer blushing with each new compliment.

"Seriously, Spence. If I couldn't call for take-out and have Mac and Cheese at least once a week, I'd starve to death." 

Spencer snorts. "If you live off fast and convenience food, you'll die of malnutrition." 

Brendon flashes him a mischievous grin. "Then you have to cook for me, Spencer Smith. So I don't die of scurvy of something."

Spencer pauses. "I ... okay, yeah." 

Brendon blinks at him. 

"I mean, I can't have you eating bad food, and there're really a lot of easy dishes that I could teach you, home-made is much better than any take-out and we could alter the recipes ..." Spencer's fully aware that is babbling. Yet he can't make himself stop talking, so he's mostly glad when Brendon silences him. 

Brendon puts his finger on Spencer's lips and Spencer can faintly taste the pepper and oregano from the mini-pizza Brendon was holding. He's completely still, although his heart is still racing. Brendon is smiling softly and his eyes, _his eyes_ are dark and big and kind. When he speaks, his voice is quiet, sober even. "You don't have to try and convince me, Spencer. I'd like that." Brendon moves and holds Spencer's cheek. "I'd like that very much."

Spencer blushes--his face feels uncomfortably hot and he hates that he's so obviously announcing his feelings, but Brendon's still smiling and he's still holding onto Spencer. That's all that counts.

***

It turns out that Spencer did make too much food, but they still put a sizeable dent into it. Afterwards, Spencer sprawls out on the blanket, enjoying the rays of sun that reach them. His skin is buzzing with want and the promise of what might come. Spencer can't remember when he last took the time to let himself get lost into a new romance, where he actually enjoyed that time between meeting someone and getting to touch them. There are sparks flying between Brendon and him, and while Spencer feels like the most obvious person ever, it's not like Brendon can hide his reactions, either. Between them they must have used up the year's quote of a small town for surprised gasps and quick breathing and those short moments when someone touches you by accident in a very non-sexual place and yet you can't breathe for a moment. (Seriously. Spencer's forearms didn't use to be _this_ sensitive.)

It's nice because Brendon and Spencer share the knowledge they're both in this. Normally Spencer wouldn't be patient enough to spend this much time in limbo, dancing around each other, but he's starting to get a taste for all the things he normally wouldn't do. He's realising that he quite likes it.

Spencer closes his eyes, because it's a sunny afternoon and his belly's full and Brendon's warm next to him. Brendon starts petting Spencer's hair and it's comfortable. Spencer's too content right now to freak out about how sometimes he feels like he's been with Brendon for years because they fit so well together and all the usual awkwardness in figuring out other people's expectations just doesn't seem to exist.

Spencer drifts off, lulled to sleep by Brendon's fingers stroking through his hair and birds twittering and leaves rustling in the wind. He startles awake, when Brendon moves away, but he's just getting his guitar.

And then Spencer gets to know a completely new Brendon. He already learned what a big part music plays in Brendon's life, and he's been curious to actually see him play something. This Brendon, with an old acoustic guitar in his lap, is everything but shy. He plays a variety of songs for Spencer, knows almost every song Spencer asks for and those he doesn't he can approximate very well. Soon he attracts a small crowd of kids and Brendon plays songs for them, patiently explaining what he's doing and teaching the most forward of them how to play. Spencer sits back and watches.

Brendon's in his element here, talking as fast as the kids and laughing as much, and, later on, when he has time to think about (and when he lets himself think about) Spencer will realise that this was the moment when he lost his heart to Brendon Urie, when Brendon become more than a fling and quick romance, but something Spencer actually wanted to spend his life with.

(Fortunately Spencer doesn't realise this yet. For the moment he just feels a tug in his heart that he doesn't really think about.)

After a while parents come by and collect their kids, apologising to Spencer for the interruption they caused, but Spencer finds he doesn't mind. If anything, the kids and playing music and being able to teach music made Brendon even more cheerful. Once the last kid had to leave, they also pack up their stuff. The way back to Brendon's apartment is quiet, but filled with a certain kind of tension, a good one.

Their hands keep brushing, as they walk, and each contact sends shivers across Spencer's skin. He thinks that he might die, if he doesn't get to at least kiss Brendon tonight. He's been fascinated by Brendon's mouth all day, watching him eat and smile and sing, and he wants to feel that mouth, taste those lips.

It takes them a felt eternity until they're finally in Brendon's apartment again. Brendon busies himself with putting the leftovers away, dividing them up, and he's flitting around in his kitchen, babbling a mile a minute. "I can't tell you how much I love those spinach things, they're delicious, and do you want half of the mini-pizzas? I'm sure you'll do, they're great. And those meat pastries, you can have them all, not that I didn't like them, I did, believe me, they're great, but you seemed to enjoy them more and it's only fair, since I know you won't want any of the stuff with spinach and-" 

Spencer takes all the boxes from Brendon and puts them in the fridge. Brendon is completely still. Spencer can feel his body warmth and he's drawn to Brendon even more. He closes the fridge with one final push and turns toward Brendon. They're close enough that Brendon has to look up a bit at Spencer's face and it takes Spencer so little effort to put his hand on Brendon's hip, grounding him and keeping him near. He leaves the next step to Brendon.

Brendon closes his eyes, when Spencer squeezes his hip gently. But then he leans forward and finally their lips meet. It's by far not the most forward first kiss Spencer's ever had. It's sweet and gentle and Spencer lets Brendon set the pace. They trade close-mouthed kisses for a while. Spencer's a bit surprised when Brendon does use his tongue, but still their kiss stays careful and soft. Spencer thinks that he could kiss like this for hours. They move closer together until Spencer is holding Brendon in an embrace and Brendon puts his arms around Spencer. Their kisses become deeper and more intensive.

Spencer carefully pushes his hand under Brendon's shirt, first toying with the hem, then move first one finger, then two and finally his whole hand underneath it until he reaches skin. Brendon's back is slightly sweaty, but his skin is still hot under Spencer's finger tips and Brendon shudders when Spencer drags his fingers across his back. He breaks the kiss, but he doesn't move away. Spencer feels Brendon's breath on his neck and it's intoxicating. He's been waiting for this for so long. "Are you sure?" he asks quietly. He wants Brendon to say yes so much, but the really frightening part is that he would understand if Brendon needed more time. He'd just go home and jerk off while he's imagining that Brendon's going down on him.

Brendon leans his head on Spencer's shoulder and it's nice. "I want to." It's just a whisper and even though they're so close, Spencer has to listen closely. "I don't want you to leave." 

"I'm not gonna leave you just because you don't want to have sex with me yet." 

Brendon presses a kiss against Spencer's neck and goose bumps break out all over his skin. "Then, yeah, I'm sure."

At first Spencer doesn't understand, he thinks he hasn't heard right. But then Brendon presses kisses on Spencer's neck and his jaw and he gets it. "Really?" 

Brendon chuckles against Spencer's skin--it sends another shower goose bumps across Spencer. "If you ask me another time, I'll start thinking that you want to back out." 

Spencer takes hold of Brendon's face and moves his head so he can look directly into Brendon's eyes. They're dark, almost all pupil, and Brendon's cheeks are red and hot. Spencer looks at him intently before he shakes his head. "Nope, that's not gonna happen."

He kisses Brendon again and this time Spencer takes charge of the kiss. Brendon lets him, opens his mouth willingly for Spencer, and they kiss wetly. It's hot and Spencer pulls Brendon closer until they are pressed together from chest to knees. In the back of his mind he knows that he's crowding Brendon against the counter, and he thinks he should give Brendon more space, but now that he has him and knows that he can have him, Spencer can't stop himself. Brendon clings to Spencer, is grabbing his arms rather forcefully, but he doesn't push him away. They kiss and kiss until Spencer's lips feel swollen. When they stop, they're both breathing heavily.

"I have a bed, you know," Brendon says. 

Spencer grins. "And where is this bed of yours?"

Spencer can't let go of Brendon, so on the way from the kitchen to the bedroom they trip more than once. Brendon laughs at him, but he's also clinging to Spencer, so he doesn't take it personally. In the bedroom their dynamic changes again: Spencer pushes Brendon carefully to sit down on the bed. He drops to his knees and busies himself with unlacing Brendon's sneakers. Brendon swallows audibly. He puts his hands on Spencer's neck and moves him, so they can kiss. Some of the urgency is gone, now that they're both committed to this.

Spencer carefully takes off Brendon's shoes and his socks. Brendon wriggles his toes at him and he grips the hem of Spencer's shirt. They undress each other silently, just touching and looking and learning each other. Brendon's incredibly comfortable in his skin and it's fascinating to Spencer who had to go a long way until he started liking his own body and could be naked with other people with the lights still on. Brendon's attention still makes him blush, but Brendon keeps smiling at him and touching him. He runs his hands lightly over all the places Spencer hates--his love handles and the bit of belly no amount of dieting and exercise ever seems to get rid off. But he looks at Spencer with obvious delight and happiness, so Spencer puts away all self-conscious thoughts of the moment and concentrates on Brendon.

Brendon's also quite vocal, something Spencer likes in his partners, and it's easy to learn where all his sensitive spots are: his neck, one spot right underneath his ear that actually makes him keen when Spencer bites down gently on it, and the inside of his elbow. Brendon moans, when Spencer moves downwards and tongues his bellybutton. "Spencer ..." He grins against Brendon's skin and casually wraps his hand around Brendon's cock. Brendon gasps and bucks against Spencer.

Spencer slowly jacks Brendon, while he keeps littering kisses on Brendon's stomach, his hips and his thighs. Brendon drops his hands into Spencer's hair, his fingers tightening almost painfully, and this, this is what Spencer loves to do. He thinks it's utterly obvious what he's about to do, but when he licks at the head of Brendon's cock, Brendon whimpers and his hips strain against where Spencer is holding him down. "Please, oh my god, _yes_."

It's probably not the best blowjob Spencer's ever given, but it's right up there in terms of enthusiasm. He likes the taste of Brendon's cum. When Brendon grips his hair tight and mumbles something incomprehensible, Spencer doesn't move away. He swallows and Brendon pulls him up to kiss him as soon as he's pulled off. The kiss is wet and sloppy and so very good. Spencer lazily thrusts against Brendon and he grins when Brendon spreads his legs wider so Spencer can lie comfortably between them.

"Where do you keep your lube?" Brendon presses kisses alongside Spencer's jaw and mumbles his answer against his skin. "Um, top drawer."

Spencer quickly grabs the lube and a condom from the open box also in the drawer. When he turns back to Brendon, he finds him tense and not quite looking at Spencer. Instead he's looking at the lube and fidgeting slightly. "Brendon?"

"Um." Brendon seems much less enthusiastic now. "Ah, it's, okay, I know, it's probably stupid, but ... could we not do that tonight?" He sounds young and unsure, and Spencer's momentarily taken aback. Not because of what Brendon's asking, but because he asks like he thinks Spencer won't react well to the suggestion.

Spencer reacts by dropping both things back into the drawer. Brendon gives a small sigh, when he closes the drawer, and Spencer honestly confused now. He settles on top of Brendon again, careful to support himself on his elbows so he won't crush Brendon. As Brendon's still not looking at him, Spencer puts his hands on his cheeks. "Hey, what's up?"

Brendon seems much smaller now. His gaze flits from Spencer's eyes to his chin and back up. "It's not. I don't know. It's not that I don't want to, like, ever, but ... just not tonight, okay?" Spencer presses a kiss against Brendon's mouth. "If you don't want to, that's okay." Spencer might possibly die of sexual frustration, but he's not an asshole. He keeps kissing Brendon until he finally relaxes against Spencer again. Spencer's still hard and he can't quite keep his hips from thrusting every now and then. Brendon flips them over, so they're lying side by side, and sneaks one hand between them. So perhaps a hand job was not quite what Spencer was expecting, but it's still good because it's _Brendon_.

After Spencer comes, he feels bone-deep relaxed and sags against Brendon. They keep trading kisses until Brendon gets up to clean up a little. He comes back with a wet washcloth and Spencer lets Brendon clean him up. They crawl under the sheets and, because they're both still skin-hungry and this is new and exciting, they cuddle. Brendon's head is on Spencer's shoulder and he's stroking Spencer's arm until he reaches down so far he can link their hands. Spencer has wrapped his other arm around Brendon's middle and he's holding on tightly. Brendon sighs contently and Spencer closes his eyes. He wants to ask Brendon, kind of needs to know what just happened there, but he's relaxed and still in the afterglow and Brendon's a warm weight against him, his breath fanning against Spencer's neck and he doesn't want to disturb this. He resolves to ask Brendon in the morning.

It turns out that there's no time to ask any questions because they wake up late--not really late, but Spencer still has to go home and get his stuff for the meeting with his adviser and Brendon has to hurry to turn up for work on time. In-between cups of coffee and plain toast and a quick shower each Spencer only has time to ask Brendon out for Ryan's reading on Wednesday. And then Spencer needs to freak out both about his thesis (that meeting does not go as well as he'd hoped) and Brendon meeting Ryan (words colliding), so he shelves serious discussions altogether.

***

It's a really long time until Wednesday. Spencer is both dreading and looking forward to it. He wants to see Brendon again, wants to kiss and hold him again, but he's not sure whether he'll actually get to do that. Also Spencer still has to tell Ryan that he invited Brendon and Spencer hasn't taken one of this date to meet his friends since ... fuck, he hasn't done that ever since coming back to Vegas for his post-graduate studies. That's pretty huge for him.            

Brendon doesn't call Spencer until Tuesday night. He's short on the phone, claiming to be just tired and stressed, but it still leaves Spencer with a bad feeling. At least they agree on Spencer picking up Brendon at his apartment, so they still might be able to have an actual conversation about their relationship--to whatever end.

Spencer called ahead and Brendon told him to wait on the street because he was "coming down right away, promise". Spencer has now been waiting for five minutes and he's just trying to decide whether it's worth finding an actual parking space (he's not quite double parked, but he's pretty sure he's not allowed to stay where he is) and ringing the door bell, when the front door flies open and Brendon practically jumps into Spencer's car.

"Sorry, but choir went long and then the head teacher needed something from me and then I couldn't find my shoes." Spencer's been all prepared to be rightfully angered and put upon, but Brendon's verbal diarrhoea is especially one thing: inherently cute. (He likes that Brendon is a complete dork and is not ashamed of acting like it. This goes very well with Spencer's own dorky attitudes.) He can't help but shoot a quick smile at Brendon, even though ten seconds ago he wanted to yell at him. Brendon's wearing his usual colourful outfit: bright red converse with green stripes, pants that are probably painted on and a band t-shirt (the band is obscure enough to even gain Brendon Ryan's approval and hip enough that he'll gain pretty much every other person's approval, too). It suits him very well.

"It's okay," Spencer says, as he carefully pulls out to the street and gets them on the road. "I haven't been waiting for long." It's an obvious lie, but Brendon's smile is equal parts relief and hope.

***

They arrive late enough that Spencer can't talk to Ryan before the reading--Ryan is always weirdly nervous at these things, even though he's by far the favourite of all the artsy types he knows. Spencer doesn't get it, really, because where's the difference between writing something and performing it? This is usually the point where Ryan huffs off in a hissy fit. They always reach it exactly twenty minutes before the actual reading starts because Spencer knows that Ryan needs three minutes for talking himself into a panic attack and the rest of the time to come down again. He's nothing but a helpful friend.

It's ten minutes to go and Ryan's long gone. Spencer doesn't know whether he felts relieved at not having to have an argument with Ryan just so he can stomp away with his dignity still intact or relieved because he doesn't have to introduce Brendon to him yet. He's just about to point out some still empty seats in the back rows to Brendon, when Jon comes up behind him.

"Spencer! Where have you been, Ryan's all beside himself. We saved you seats next to us." Jon's smile is easy and to any bystander it would look innocent, but Spencer knows exactly what's about to come. And sure enough, here it is. Jon turns toward Brendon and turns that 600W smile on him and behaves all pleasantly surprised. "Ryan mentioned you'd bring a friend, but he wouldn't tell us who." Spencer's going to kill Ryan and his big mouth. Jon knows pretty much all of Ryan's friends, which largely overlap with Spencer's friends, and so Spencer's quite convinced that Jon knows exactly who Brendon is, even if he doesn't know his name. Ryan thinks that Spencer, the sexually frustrated porn star, is _hilarious_ and Spencer doesn't kid himself for one second that he didn't tell at least Jon about it.

"Hi, I'm Jon. I am Ryan's friend." Spencer snorts at that. Jon's Ryan's very special friend that he keeps coming back to whenever his heterosexual adventures inevitably fail because he's still all caught up in Jon, but Ryan's too much of a chickenshit to actually man up and call Jon his boyfriend.

"And you would be Brendon, right?"

Brendon answers Jon's smile with one of his own and does not seem put off at all by the way he's oh so unsubtly nosy. Spencer loves him more just for that. "Yes, that's me." The way he doesn't qualify his relationship to Spencer makes Spencer's stomach clench, but then Brendon takes his hand. Spencer really needs to have that conversation with Brendon soon or he'll break something vital from the mental whiplash he's getting from Brendon's mixed signals.

The reading's about to start, and they have to hurry to their seats. Spencer groans inwardly when he sees that basically their entire social circle turned up for the reading--less so because of Ryan's sudden stellar success, he supposes, but more because certain people can't keep their mouth shut. Shane winks at them and Brendon waves back, but everyone else is giving them looks of ill-disguised curiosity. Spencer sits down, carefully keeping Brendon on the side away from his friends to prevent any interrogation attempts during the reading because Ryan would kill him if they interrupted it.

First there's another guy reading, poems that are just this side of morbid, and Spencer's more disgusted by fascinated. Nobody should describe intestines in such a detailed way in rhymes. There's a short pause before the host introduces Ryan and explains what he's about to read. It's his newest short story, parts of which Spencer has already read. He's pretty curious to find out which scenes Ryan chose because he wouldn't tell Spencer at all.

Ryan comes out front and gives them a curt nod. "I'm Ryan Ross and tonight I will read you part of my short story _Sins and Tragedies_." 

_Sins and Tragedies_ is a dark story, full of despair and cruelty. It is much more gripping than the poems and Ryan's voice, dipping low and high, gives it that much more depth. Beside him Spencer can feel Brendon shift awkwardly and he covers Brendon's hand with his own, squeezing gently. Then Brendon leans against him and Spencer's stomach flutters excitedly as he realises that, yes, he could do this, he _wants_ this. Brendon's warm against him, but he grounds Spencer, anchors him. Together they listen to Ryan and when the reading ends, it's much too soon.

Afterwards they have to endure an extended Q&A session during which poem guy is a bit miffed because hardly anyone has questions for him. Ryan keeps deflecting most questions, only answering those straightaway which he deems good and intelligent questions. Sometimes, Spencer thinks, Ryan's too pretentious for his own good.

Then, however, comes the point of the evening Spencer's been dreading most: they are about to go to a nearby bar. The way William and Tom and also Pete have been eying Brendon doesn't leave the hint of doubt in Spencer that they're about to be subjected to the Spanish inquisition.

***

O'Malley's is small and intimate. They find themselves a group of tables in the corner. Spencer ends up surrounded by his friends, Brendon on the other side of the table, and he feels slightly doomed. Ryan's next to Spencer and he has been giving Brendon these glances which mean he's trying to figure out where to strike first. William's on one side of Brendon and Jon's on the other, across Ryan. Shane, who met them at the bar, is far away from them and he's giving Spencer a thumbs-up. No, Spencer corrects himself. He definitely is doomed.

But despite his misgivings Brendon holds up quite well to their inquiries. Actually Brendon manages to charm them, too. Jon becomes his best friend when they discover their mutual love of _Aladdin_ and they sing _A Whole New World_. Ryan's mostly quiet, but at least he's not eviscerating Brendon in front of everyone. Spencer just wishes he could touch Brendon, could hold hands, but he doesn't want to do it in front of all his friends. It's cowardly, he knows, but he doesn't know where he stands with Brendon and such a public display of affection is more than he's willing to commit to right now. So he settles for footsies. Brendon doesn't stop talking, but his grin becomes a degree brighter and he presses his foot against Spencer's calf. Spencer relaxes a bit, because this is going really well.

Which is, of course, when everything goes inevitably mightily wrong. "I'd never thought I'd see Mighty Dick settle down with someone like you," William muses. "Not that I thought he'd go for Buck Shot or Tiny Tim or ... what's Tom's porn name again?" Jon snickers. "He chose Ass Star." Brendon looks a bit taken aback, but he chuckles along with the rest of the table. Spencer, however, is absolutely petrified and tries to make William and Jon shut up with the power of his mind. His telepathy needs some work, though.

Ryan grins. "I think I see why Shane gave up on the fake porn names after the second movie. Seriously, who'd buy that kind of porn."

"It's still the same kind of porn," Jon points out. "Now they just use their actual first names instead. And believe me, those first two sold a lot of copies even before we renamed them."

Brendon's just becoming quieter and quieter, his smile dimming a bit. He sits there silently, body still for once, and Spencer ... Spencer has no idea how to stop this fucking train wreck.

"Anyway." William turns back toward Brendon. "You were quite a surprise, to be honest." 

Brendon smiles, but it's a lot less brilliant than what's Spencer used to and even William isn't that dense. "You didn't expect someone ... like me?" The question is there, out in the open, and Spencer's not sure whether he's glad that William managed to put two H-bombs into one sentence, because at least now Brendon's not talking about the porn thing, but this. This can't go well, either.

William seems honestly surprised and shrugs. "Well, yeah. Normally Spencer dates those really pretty guys without much brains, which, to give him his due, is kind of what you meet in our business a lot, so." Spencer is going to kill William _dead_. "Also he usually doesn't have to wait that long to get wait. But we figure you got your reasons."

Oh god. Spencer can't breathe. Brendon goes still and his smile vanishes completely, as he looks at William with shocked, big eyes. Spencer turns to glare at Ryan because that was confidential and not meant for gossip. Ryan just shrugs uncomfortably. "I just told Jon," he says in a quiet voice that would hardly be audible if their entire table hadn't gotten so suddenly silent. Jon has at least the grace to look guilty, but the damage is done. Brendon moves his foot away, leaving Spencer's calf cold, and it hurts. It hurts a fucking lot, the way Brendon draws in on himself, making him a smaller target, and Spencer wants to stop him, make everything all right, but this time it's Spencer who's fucked up royally.

Everyone's mostly trying not to outright stare at them and Spencer really appreciates the effort, but it doesn't lessen the air of awkwardness one bit. Brendon suddenly takes a deep breath. "Excuse me for moment, I. I need some fresh air." 

Because they're seated right in the middle of the throng it takes Brendon a couple of agonising minutes until he's managed to actually leave and Spencer feels every second of it, as he stares at him helplessly. He wants to hurry after him and at least try to explain, but another part of him wants to hide away and delay the necessary confrontation and yet a third part wants to fucking rip William's throat out. Spencer settles for putting his head down on the table and moaning. "Why'd you say that?"

Ryan grips his hand under the table and Spencer relishes the small comfort. He hears William shift around in his seat and when he looks up, William's looking as helpless as Spencer feels. "I just. I didn't know that wasn't public information." 

Spencer blinks. "Why the hell would I go around and tell everyone _that_?" 

William shrugs. Ryan prods Spencer's side. "Maybe you should go after him." And Spencer remembers that Ryan knows. He knows that Brendon didn't know anything about the porn, either. Ryan's the only one who knows exactly just how thoroughly fucked Spencer is right now. Ryan's eyes are as compassionate as they get and Spencer knows what he means. Putting off talking to Brendon won't help any. 

Dejectedly Spencer gets up. "When I come back, I'll need all the alcohol in the world."

Outside Spencer finds Brendon sitting in a doorway a couple doors down from the pub. He's staring intently at the ground, and he's awfully pale. The thought that this might be the last time he gets to see Brendon crosses Spencer's mind and his heart clenches. He doesn't want it to be, but he doesn't know how to fix this, either.

Brendon doesn't stir, when Spencer sits down next to him on the door step. They are quiet, while Spencer looks for the best way to start this conversation. Brendon beats him to it. "I didn't notice anything that mighty about your dick." 

Spencer's startled into a chuckle. "I think I made that name up while I was high and drunk." 

Brendon bites his lip, and the way he's so carefully not looking at Spencer tears something apart in Spencer. 

"Brendon, I'm sorry, okay? I know I should've told you, but-" 

"Please stop." Brendon sounds tired and defeated and Spencer wants to go down on his knees and beg. "Not tonight. I can't listen to this right now." His voice wavers a bit, but when Spencer puts his hand on Brendon's arm, he shrugs it off and. Spencer can feel his heart breaking. "I think I should go home." 

"I'll drive you." Brendon's apartment is a bit away and it's the busiest time of night. The least Spencer can do is save Brendon the cab fare. 

"You don't have to. I can take a taxi." Brendon sounds sad and he's holding himself carefully. It only hurts Spencer more to see him like this and to know that it's Spencer's fault. 

"I'll drive you," he repeats, trying to put as much into those simple words as he can. Brendon doesn't want to hear his apology yet; Spencer just hopes that he'll get to say it at all. This time Brendon doesn't say anything in reply, he just nods.

When Spencer goes inside to settle their tab and get their coats, William takes his arm. "I'm sorry, Spencer." 

He shakes his head. "Not your fault, Bill." Ryan looks at him, but doesn't say anything. Spencer knows Ryan will call him later tonight. It's not something they have to talk about. Everybody else leaves Spencer alone.

The ride back to Brendon's apartment is silent, without them talking or the radio playing. It feels alien because so far they've always had something to talk about and it's just not them. Outside the apartment complex Spencer parks and Brendon stays seated for a moment longer than necessary. When he moves to open the door, Spencer has to ask him. He can't let them part ways like this. "Will you let me apologise and explain tomorrow?" This can't be the last time. Spencer can't let them end like this, because he thinks that Brendon is hurt enough to never actually let Spencer get close enough again to talk. Spencer needs to know he'll see Brendon at least once again.

Brendon stills, frozen in motion. He's quiet for so long that Spencer wants to start begging. "I ... I don't know. Maybe. Can we just. Give it a couple of days?" Now that they're in a mostly private setting without anyone listening in, Brendon seems to let go. His voice is heavy with tears and emotion. He still doesn't look at Spencer. 

"I'll call you tomorrow?" Spencer thinks it's stupid to push, but he can't stop himself. He needs this.

Brendon nods. "No promises." 

"I understand." Brendon nods again and then he's gone. The moment the house door falls closed behind Brendon a sob escapes Spencer and he has to take a deep breath. He drives home very slowly and cautiously, although he can't remember the drive at all. At some point he's at Brendon's and then he's at home, parking his car. His house is empty and silent and Spencer collapses on his bed. The ceiling doesn't hold the answers to the questions he's asking. It just sits there, quietly, and Spencer's staring at it, trying to quench the hurt in his chest.

He tries to remember where this evening went so wrong, but he knows that the fuck-up already happened long before today. It's not the most comforting thought to fall asleep with.

~~~***~~~

Brendon doesn't answer any of Spencer's text messages the next day. Spencer tries to work on his thesis, but it's going slow--he can't concentrate for shit, none of the math makes any sense and this is usually the stuff he's really good at. He has a meeting with his supervisor next week and he promised a draft of this chapter, so Spencer keeps trying, but it just makes him irritated. He decides to go to the library and get at least some more reading done. 

It turns out the library doesn't have the sources he needs, so Spencer puts a holding request on the books and hopes that whoever has them will return them soon. When he finds himself outside of Jon's coffee shop, it's happened entirely by accident. Spencer wants coffee and Jon's the best barista he knows, but he really doesn't want to go in there and be greeted with his friends' pity. Ryan did call last night, so Spencer's at least a bit prepared and knows that Spencer's love life was the topic of the evening. Spencer's not sure he's ready yet to face Jon and not fall apart, especially since Brendon's totally incommunicado.

Jon relieves Spencer of making a decision by coming outside with a mug of coffee. "Hey." Spencer greets back and eyes the coffee. It smells delicious. Also he doesn't want to look at Jon's face and see the pity there. "I also have fresh baked scones." 

Spencer smiles. "You say that like it's some kind of deal breaker." 

"Well, I guess it kind of is." Jon presses the hot coffee into Spencer's hands. His hands are hot and dry and they remind Spencer of Brendon and suddenly Spencer feels hollowed out inside and unbelievably tired and sad. He didn't let himself acknowledge just how much he liked Brendon until it was too late. He idly wonders how things might have gone if Spencer had confessed this to Brendon. Then, on the other hand, there's so much he didn't tell Brendon. 

Spencer only realises that he's holding on tightly on Jon's hand when Jon squeezes back. "Come inside. You look like you could use a scone and a place to hang out." Spencer lets Jon tug him inside the coffee shop. Jon lets Spencer hide in the corner, keeping up a steady supply of baked goods and coffee, while Spencer pretends to read some paper, but he's really just staring at his cell phone, willing it to chime and announce a new text message. When it does, it's never Brendon. 

Several hours later, Jon drops into the chair across Spencer's. Jon's silent for a moment, but Spencer guesses it's just the calm before the storm. "So he didn't know." 

Spencer shakes his head. 

Jon gives him another contemplative look. "Why?" Now that is the question. Spencer's been asking himself that a thousand times since yesterday. 

"I guess I was afraid." 

"Of what? You've never been ashamed of it before, not even when Shane insisted on having ridiculous names for you." 

Spencer rubs his face. "I was just. Brendon's not. I wasn't sure how to say it."

Jon raises an eyebrow. "Spencer, that's bullshit. If you don't know how to say something, you just say it plainly." 

The problem is, Spencer knows. He stares intently at the table top, as his coffee cup holds the answer to every question in his life. "I didn't know how he'd take it," he admits. "There was the whole thing about sex and. I was afraid he wouldn't want to see me anymore." 

Jon makes a sympathetic noise and covers Spencer's hand with his own. "And not telling him? Spencer, what did you think that would do? It was bound to come out at some point. And then you brought him to Ryan's reading when you knew we would all be there." Spencer just nods, because in hindsight that was the worst fucking idea he'd had lately.   
"He got you good, huh." 

Spencer manages a weak chuckle. "Not that it matters anymore." He points to his cell. "I'm pretty sure Brendon doesn't want anything to do with me anymore." They're both silent after that.

***

Spencer spends most of the day at the coffee shop. After his conversation with Jon he doesn't feel better exactly, but it helped a bit. He ate approximately his own body weight in scones and cupcakes, and normally this would lead to a rigid regimen of exercise and dieting, but Spencer guesses it's all moot now anyway. He trudges up the steps to his front door without paying much attention to his surroundings. That's why he almost misses Brendon sitting on the top step. 

"Hey." Brendon sounds as tired as Spencer feels and there's less bounce in his voice than Spencer's used to. Spencer can just stare at him. "I got your address from Shane. He thinks we're both being stupid." 

Spencer blinks. "Okay. Uhm, do you want to come inside?" Brendon nods.

Spencer's usually neat. When he's not heart-broken, that is. At the moment his apartment resembles a pigsty. His dining table is still covered with all his material when he tried to work on his thesis, half-empty coffee cup and all, and his kitchen is still in utter chaos from when Spencer prepared all the picnic food. His living room is by far the cleanest room, but still the coffee table is littered with stuff. 

Spencer hurries around, trying to clean in a unobtrusive way and babbling random apologies. He almost misses the little half-smile Brendon gives him. Something that feels suspiciously like hope pops up in Spencer's chest. "I'm sorry how this place looks, just ignore it, okay, I'm sorry, god, it's such a mess." 

Brendon sits down on Spencer's couch and pats the space next to him. "It's okay, Spencer. Please sit down?"

It's awkward, sitting next to Brendon with a careful distance between them. Brendon's the most tactile person Spencer's met, his reluctancy to have naked fun times with Spencer notwithstanding. Distance has never been a problem, but now Spencer feels like he needs to give Brendon room to breathe. They're both silent, and Spencer's unsure whether he should say something, but it was Brendon who turned up at Spencer's door. Brendon who got Shane to give him Spencer's address. Spencer thinks it's now up to Brendon to say something. 

Brendon has his hands clasped on his lap and is looking intently at them. "I'm not sure how to start," he says. "Or rather what to start with. It's all a bit of a mess, isn't it." There's not much Spencer can reply to that. He just nods. Brendon takes a shaky breath. "My last boyfriend was an asshole." It's enough of a non-sequitur to throw Spencer, but he still makes a listening noise. "And the one before that wasn't much better, either. I ... I kind of have this tendency to fall for people who don't see much in me." Brendon laughs, a small, self-deprecating sound that hurts Spencer inside. "Except for my ass, there wasn't anything about me that they were actually interested in. So I decided that, y'know, next time I dated something I'd do everything differently. That I wouldn't allow that to happen again."

Spencer thinks he knows where Brendon's going with that. He clears his throat. "Brendon, you don't have to explain-" 

Brendon shakes his head violently. "No, I do. Because, see, I didn't think it would work." He gestures wildly. "I figured that if I didn't put out so easily anymore, maybe I'd find that someone. Someone who, like, actually likes me. And I found you." His voice turns wistful and sad, and Spencer's guts twist violently. He definitely knows what's coming now. 

"And it was good. _We_ were good. I was so happy because I thought I'd gotten a lucky break finally. That there was someone who cared for me as more than a friend, who liked even when I was being a dork and embarrassing, who thought I was worthwhile enough to wait for and." Brendon's voice breaks. Spencer feels close to crying, too. "And then after the reading... It was so--I felt so humiliated because." Another shaky breath and Spencer wants to speak, say something, anything, but his throat is closed tight and there's a dead weight on his chest that makes it hard to breathe. "I hadn't thought that waiting for sex was something you'd enjoy. That was a deal breaker with so many other people that I'd almost given up hope already. But you were all understanding and compassionate and you weren't mad at me, so ... hearing that you complained to all your friends about this guy who wouldn't put out was a blow. I hadn't expected that."

"I only told Ryan," Spencer manages to squeeze out. "I really only told him, in confidentiality, I didn't know he'd told other people. I wouldn't have allowed it. And I didn't complain, I just said that was how it was." This is important, this is something Spencer really needs Brendon to know. 

Brendon nods shakily. "Yeah, Shane mentioned something of the sorts. Apparently Ryan feels quite bad about it." 

Spencer snorts. "That's not doing me any good now." If Ryan weren't his best friend, sometimes Spencer doesn't know why he's even friends with him. Brendon waves his hand around until he finds Spencer's knee and squeezes it slightly. It's the first physical contact he's initiated since Sunday and it feels really fucking good. Spencer wants to grab Brendon and hug him tight and keep him close. He carefully puts his own hand over Brendon's, mindful of the distance still between them. 

Brendon takes a deep breath. "In this case, it's all that counts."

They sit in silence, and Spencer's relishing holding Brendon's hand. Brendon's not done, however. "So, that. That hurt. But, that's partially my fault. I should've told you before. So I had to man up and deal with it. But the other thing. The porn thing." Spencer cringes and automatically squeezes Brendon's hand. "At first I thought they were joking. An elaborate joke, but ... not true. But then they didn't treat it like anything special and." Brendon makes a frustrated noise. "I didn't know what to say. Because suddenly I thought ... what if you had just waited for me because you were getting laid anyway? And I know that porn's got nothing to do with real sex, but still. It all became meaningless. Everything you've said and done, it was all ... weird. And then I was mad at Shane because I'd told him expressively I didn't want to be set up with any of his ... actors. Because I didn't want that to happen."

Brendon looks and sounds as defeated and sad as Spencer feels. His eyes are dark and mostly closed. His hand under Spencer's is clammy and still, but he hasn't moved it away yet. "I'm sorry," he says. "I don't know what to say to make it all right again. I just. It's not something that I usually tell people on the first date and then you didn't ... and I didn't want to push you away if you thought it was ... and then." Spencer's dimly aware he's babbling and he makes himself stop. Fortunately for him, Brendon seems able to complete Spencer's sentences for him. 

"We really are both idiots, aren't we." He turns his hand around, so he can properly clasp his hand with Spencer's and Spencer can't look away from it, sees his own hand with Brendon's paler fingers between his own, and something that's been clenched in his chest all day relaxes minutely. "Yeah, I guess we are." Brendon sighs. 

"But that's something we can work on, right?" Spencer asks. "We can work this out." 

Brendon doesn't say anything, but he leans infinitesimally closer to Spencer. "Do you think we can?" Brendon still sounds tired. "It'll take time. And a lot of work. Are you ... do you really want it?" It's time for Spencer to man up and admit to his feelings. 

"Yes, I want. I ... really like you a lot. I want this to work out." 

It puts a small smile on Brendon's face. "Do you really? I mean, like me?" It feels oddly like flirtation and Spencer's pretty much helpless. 

"I, yes. I do." "Then maybe we can work this out." 

Brendon gives him a hopeful smile and Spencer feels the happy feeling in his chest expand. Maybe they can work this out. He knows they haven't actually talked about any of their issues, really, but Spencer thinks that they can do this.

***

Spencer's really fucking nervous. He's fiddling with his tie, it just won't sit _right_ , until Ryan bats his hands away and shushes him. "It'll be okay." Spencer makes an agonised sound because, no, it won't, this will end in disaster, he can't remember his vows, and soon Brendon will realise that Spencer's still a stupid jerk and that he can do much better and he still can't believe Brendon actually said yes. Ryan sighs at him exasperatedly and forces him into a chair. 

"Seriously, Spencer, breathe. If Brendon's stuck with you through all your wedding planning related craziness he's not going to jump ship now." 

"I wasn't that bad." 

Ryan gives him a look. "There were weekly to do lists. When it was still six months to the ceremony. Lists for _everyone_." 

Okay, so Spencer maybe went a bit overboard with the planning. But he wanted everything to be perfect, especially after they went to Brendon's parents and stood in their living room while Brendon stumbled through his speech and invited them to the wedding. And now he has a pack of awkward Mormons at his very gay wedding and they look very uncomfortable to be here, but all very supportive of Brendon. It's kind of giving Spencer an ulcer. And he's maybe hyperventilating. Ryan pushes him down, so his head is between his knees. 

"It will be all right, Spencer." Ryan's voice is kind, but firm. "You will go out there and take Brendon's hand. You will walk down the aisle together and then you will say your vows, which you do remember because you spent so much time freaking out, trying to make them perfect, and in a little bit less than one hour you'll be married. And Brendon won't care if you forget half of your vows or stumble in the middle of the aisle or make a complete ass of yourself in front of his parents or anything. Brendon pretty much thinks this is already perfect as it is. So stop worrying and get yourself out there."

Spencer takes a deep breath and steels himself. Then he walks out of the door. The ceremony passes in a blur, it's all happening too fast for Spencer to really grasp it. And then he's married to Brendon. It feels like hours later, when he finally relaxes. The reception's over and everyone's given their speech and they cut the cake and now Spencer finally gets to hug his husband in peace and quiet and hold him close. This is what he wanted all along.

They sit quietly and watch their friends eat and dance. Brendon turns and presses a kiss against Spencer's jaw. "See, we did work it out," he mumbles against Spencer's skin and Spencer can't help but grin. "Yeah, we did." He kisses Brendon in return. "Do you want to dance?" Brendon's smile is gorgeous and when they sweep across the dance floor, Spencer can't see anyone but Brendon. He knows his own smile matches Brendon's exactly, but he doesn't care. He just holds on to Brendon.


End file.
